Day 1

The first words out of my mouth after Dr. Ward told me there was no heartbeat were, "I understand"

 

I understand? Do I? Does this really make sense? This isn’t fair! I wanted this baby. I don’t even know what I’m having. At that point I began to panic. I don’t even know if it’s a boy or a girl and I already have to say goodbye? Where’s Neal? Seriously…. So many thoughts in such a short amount of time. It was such a blur.

The doctor began talking to me as the nurse took Kate out into the hall. “Erin, I’m so sorry. This is the heart… there’s no movement.” What do I say? What do I say after I’m told that my baby is already gone? “This maybe happens twice a year…. I’m so sorry.” Really? Twice a year and it just happened to be our baby? 1 of 2 out of all his deliveries? Why? Why is this happening?

At this point it started to set in… I needed to get Neal. I sent him a text but then immediately called and told him he needed to come up here. He could tell something was wrong but I refused to tell him over the phone. How am I supposed to say this to him? How do I explain this? I knew the pain that I was feeling and I just wanted to keep him safe from it.

Neal and Liam entered the room and I couldn’t even look him in the eye. I felt so bad. I was so disappointed and heartbroken. I could not bear to watch his face as the doctor delivered the news. I just hung my head and began to cry.

Dr. Ward went over everything with him again. Because of how far along I was, the ultrasound didn’t show too much. He explained that because I’m full-term I would have to deliver. I could do it that night, the next day, or take some time to grieve before delivery. I looked at Neal and we both knew we wanted him out right away.

The doctor left us alone for a few minutes and told us to take our time. I broke down. I couldn’t stop apologizing to Neal. As much as I knew it wasn’t my fault I still felt like I owed him an apology for this pain. It physically hurt.

The doctor came back and handed us a bright blue sticky note with a name and phone number written on it. Russon Brothers Mortuary. What? We have to plan a funeral? To be told that your baby is gone and given a number for a mortuary within 10 minutes of each other is devastating. I remember looking at that piece of paper and thinking, “what is happening?!” Dr. Ward explained that they waive some of the service fees for infants and that we should call them when we’re ready… lucky us… a discounted funeral.

The doctor left again and we both broke down. As I sat on Neal’s lap, with his arms wrapped around me, I just lost it. It hurt so much. I began to feel sick and ran into the bathroom to throw up. How could this be happening?

We finally walked out into the lobby and met the kids. Both Kate and Liam were happy playing with one of the nurses. Neal left to go get his mom downstairs (she works as a nurse in surgery at that hospital). I sat and waited and began to numb myself. The office was quiet, most staff was on their lunch break and no other pregnant women were in the waiting area. I began to think about all the things I had to do and who I had to call.

The thought of calling my Dad and telling him what happened immediately made me cry. I was so hurt and disappointed, how could I share this news with anyone else?

Neal’s mom came into the office and just wrapped her arms around me. I broke down again. The whole situation was just a nightmare.

I left the room to make the phone call to my Dad. I hesitantly called him and delivered the news. It was just as hard as I thought it would be the minute I had to tell him, “The baby’s gone, they couldn’t find the heartbeat….” He was so confused but tried to stay strong for me. I knew his fatherly instincts kicked right in because he immediately became strong for me. He told me everything was going to be okay… which it wasn’t…. but it’s what I needed to hear in that moment. I needed someone to tell me that everything was going to be okay, regardless of if I believed it or not.

Before leaving the hospital we spoke with the doctor once again and told him our decision. We wanted to deliver the baby tonight and we’d be back at 7pm to check in to the hospital.

 We made plans for the kids so we could have some time alone to process everything. Liam went to our sister-in-law’s house and we decided to take Kate home with us to take a nap. When we dropped Liam off at Jen’s she came outside right away and with tears in her eyes she gave me the biggest hug. Just the day before we were talking about how close we were to having our babies! Her sweet girl would be here in just 6 days… our baby was supposed to be a week after that. We didn’t have to say much to know the feelings we felt at that point.

 

Neal and I went home to put Kate down for a nap. We were greeted outside by both of our Fathers. It hurt to see my Dad. I didn't even want to make eye contact with him because I was scared for him to see my pain and disappointment. He gave me a hug, kissed my forehead, and said that he was going to be there for me through all of this. He told me that we'll get through this. I knew he was right, but I didn't want to have to go through any of this at that point. We said goodbye and they left to help take care of Liam and get everything ready for that evening.

I walked in to a freshly cleaned house… something I would have done before bringing home our new baby… but instead- it was freshly cleaned from my efforts that morning. I got home from drill practice and my nesting kicked in. I deep cleaned the house from top to bottom, trying to finish before my doctors appointment.

 

Once Kate was asleep Neal and I went into our room and laid down together. He held me. We cried, a lot. He got in the bath to calm down. I couldn’t bear the thought of seeing my bare belly. It was just too hard and I was still in shock that I was carrying a dead baby inside of me.

After we had some time to process. We began making arrangements for that night. Where would the kids go, who would bring them to the hospital, who did we want to have in the hospital to meet our baby, when would the funeral home come to pick up the body? So many decisions that had to be made but we didn’t want to make them.

 

I wasn’t strong enough to call the funeral home so Neal did it for us. He pulled out the dreaded sticky note and called the number. They were expecting a call from us, thank goodness, we didn’t want to have to say the words out loud that we lost our baby. They were so kind and patient and just told us not to worry about anything right now but to just call us when we were ready for them to pick up our baby. That sucked.

Puzzle Pieces

 

A friend once told me that after a loved one has passed you'll begin to see all the puzzle pieces and how they fit together. My puzzle pieces started coming years ago. 

 

I had a couple friends go through 'infant loss'. (I'm learning the lingo to this new special group of parents). I instantly became obsessed with learning about their grieving process. I felt like it was something that I may face in the future once we started having kids. I chalked it up to curiosity or just concern for my friends and their sweet families. I just always felt like I would be a part of that 'infant loss' community someday somehow. 

 

Toward the beginning of my pregnancy I had a dream about a miscarriage. In the dream- I was lying in bed watching my belly as the baby moved and made little jabs. But then the baby pressed its face against my belly and I could almost make out a profile. I felt like the baby was trying to tell me, “This is me, alive. I wanted you to have a chance to see me alive before I have to go.” A few nights later I had another dream about our kids…. A boy (Liam), a girl (Kate), and the youngest boy. The youngest was following around Liam. He had long sandy blonde hair and followed Liam around like a shadow. When I woke up the next morning I felt like it was a sign that I was having a boy.

The night before Finn passed away Neal and I got to go out on a date- a very rare occasion these days. I quickly snapped a picture of myself in the mirror to post online of my ‘bump’.

The saddest part about this is just how right I was… this would be the first and last picture I took. The following morning is when everything changed.

Finn's Story

Today is a bad day. I find myself waking up and being able to designate what type of day I'm going to have based on how bad my heart hurts. Yesterday we buried our son, Finn Bradley. Today hurts a lot more than yesterday. It's all settling what really happened... or is happening. I'm realizing that this is something that is going to be with us for the rest of our lives... this grief... this pain. And I'm okay with that- it's a reminder that this is real, I really did have a baby, and he really does live. He just doesn't get to physically be with us right now. 

 

It all started the morning of September 2nd, a Wednesday. I was getting ready for my 37 week routine checkup. It was a normal day, something that I miss. As I was getting the kids ready Neal was debating whether or not to come to the appointment. He had worked so late the night before he almost stayed home. Last minute, he decided he would go so the 4 of us headed over to the hospital for my check-up. 

 

Liam fell asleep in the car so Kate and I headed up to the doctors office while Neal stayed in the car with Liam. 

 

We checked in, 10 minutes late as usual, and quickly got called back. The nurse checked my blood pressure- normal- and then asked how I was feeling. "Good!" Like always. I only had 2 weeks left until my scheduled c section. 

 

The nurse left and Dr. Ward entered the room. "So you want to see your baby?" What? I thought no more ultra sounds since I was so far a long. I was just expecting to get measured and hear the heartbeat. The doctor was told by the nurse that I wanted to SEE the baby. I explained that I didn't request it but I would still love to see him. The doctor said no problem and pulled up the ultrasound. I reminded him that we still didn't know the gender so I would look away until it was safe.

 

Where's the volume? Why isn't he turning up the volume? I turned my head and I could see that he was moving around a lot... looking for something. My first thought was, "I don't remember the last time I felt him..."

 

He asked if we could move to another room and use the 3D ultra sound to get a better picture. My heart sunk. I picked up my little girl and we headed into the other ultrasound room. The room where we did the 20 week ultrasound and saw that he was perfect, and healthy, and growing. 

 

I got up on the table, laid down, and tucked Kate into my arm. She pulled up her shirt and began rubbing her belly like she always has since mine started growing. A nurse walked in. Once I saw her face I just knew. 

 

Dr. Ward pulled up the ultra sound again. This time I looked- holding my breath for good news but knowing deep down inside that there wasn't going to be any. 

 

The doctor lowered his head and then it came- the big blow. "I'm so sorry, there's no heartbeat". I felt like I had been punched. The only thing I could think of saying was, "I understand". 

Christmas Morning

We decided to carry on the tradition and start having the Christmas eve party at our house each year. We invited both our families over and had such a fun party. So fun- we forgot pictures haha It was the best being in our own house with our two kids. I finally feel the magic of Christmas again now that we have kids and a family of our own.

Regardless of how much of a stinker Liam was this past year (a cute one at that) Santa STILL showed up and brought some Christmas cheer with him. It was a blast watching Liam open presents.

Kate enjoyed the wrapping paper and boxes more than the actual presents. She looks so grown up in her big kids jammies!

Oh I am so in love with this picture! Seeing these two together gets me so excited to add more kids to the mix. I want to start making it a tradition to take pictures on the staircase every Christmas morning. I doubt they'll hold hand EVERY YEAR but I sure hope so. They are adorable!

Crazy Kate and her fitting crazy hair :)

My Mini-Me

My mom sent me this picture and I cannot get over having the cutest little mini-me. I always wanted a girl that looked like me, especially since Liam looks EXACTLY like Neal. Now seeing our pictures side by side (me left, Kate right) I feel like we're finally even.

 

Temple Square Lights

We joined the family and headed downtown to see the gorgeous temple lights. We bundled up and brought the biggest most comfiest stroller we own and set out into the freezing weather. The lights are beautiful and I love this tradition. I'm so grateful our kids get to grow up near the temple where we were sealed. We love Christmastime and getting to see downtown filled with people enjoying temple square.

December Happenings

We celebrated our 10th annual Christmas party as girlsfriends this year! This tradition started our Senior year of highschool and we haven't missed one yet. We always do a potluck and then gift each other our favorite thing. It's fun walking away with 5 new 'favorite things' products and more memories. These girls will be my best friends forever. I'm so grateful for the friendship we share and continues to grow each and every year.

Coaching drill has continued to be crazy as ever. December and January are our competition months. The dancers did amazing and we were so proud! I love going to competitions and watching all their hard work pay off on the floor when they walk off and know they did their best. It's always fun just hanging out during our down time in between performances.

weirdos. but they keep us young.

I really wanted to do some type of service project this year. Especially with having kids, and Liam getting older, I wanted to teach them about the real meaning of Christmas and serving other people. We chose to bring treats to our local fire team and thank you for both theirs and their families sacrifices. We invited our neighborhood friends to join us and the kids loved it!

Liam was in heaven meeting REAL fire fighters. The department gave them all hats and he was the cutest little thing. He was so excited for a chance to finally wear his fireboots out of the house!