Puzzle Pieces

 

A friend once told me that after a loved one has passed you'll begin to see all the puzzle pieces and how they fit together. My puzzle pieces started coming years ago. 

 

I had a couple friends go through 'infant loss'. (I'm learning the lingo to this new special group of parents). I instantly became obsessed with learning about their grieving process. I felt like it was something that I may face in the future once we started having kids. I chalked it up to curiosity or just concern for my friends and their sweet families. I just always felt like I would be a part of that 'infant loss' community someday somehow. 

 

Toward the beginning of my pregnancy I had a dream about a miscarriage. In the dream- I was lying in bed watching my belly as the baby moved and made little jabs. But then the baby pressed its face against my belly and I could almost make out a profile. I felt like the baby was trying to tell me, “This is me, alive. I wanted you to have a chance to see me alive before I have to go.” A few nights later I had another dream about our kids…. A boy (Liam), a girl (Kate), and the youngest boy. The youngest was following around Liam. He had long sandy blonde hair and followed Liam around like a shadow. When I woke up the next morning I felt like it was a sign that I was having a boy.

The night before Finn passed away Neal and I got to go out on a date- a very rare occasion these days. I quickly snapped a picture of myself in the mirror to post online of my ‘bump’.

The saddest part about this is just how right I was… this would be the first and last picture I took. The following morning is when everything changed.