Postpartum

Everyone tells you about postpartum depression. It's one of the many things you recieve advice on when you're pregnant. I had many women and even some close friends that gave me advice or offered their help if I ever had to face postpartum depression after Liam was born. Neal and I talked about it a lot. We talked about prevention and the what if's if it did happen. I assured him that I'm a very stable person and that I know what I need to do to avoid it. Clearly I thought I was invincible. When Liam got here it was the happiest day of my life. I was surrounded by the people I loved most, everything was so perfect.

After a couple days I could feel the baby blues sink in... not a big deal. I was having a very hard time with my recovery in the hospital. I convinced myself that I was never going to heal, that I just sacrificed my body for this little baby and I'd have to do it over and over again with each kid that we had. I was upset, I was in shock, and yet I thought I was still in control.

When I got home from the hospital Neal and I had a ton of help. My parents came for the first week, Neal's mom the next, and then my mom and brother after that. We had a solid three weeks of help. I would feel some low's in between their visits, I tried to not make a big deal about it. I chalked it up to my slow recovery, being stuck on the couch breastfeeding, not being able to dance, and never having time for myself. Once all the family had left and it was just the three of us, depression really started to sink in.

I felt myself feeling hopeless, questioning my adequacy as a new mother, and asking myself if this is ever going to get easier. I'd rationalize it by telling myself that I just need to get more sleep or things will get better once my incision healed but I continued to fall deeper and deeper into my low's. I found myself trying to avoid people, I didn't want to see anyone because I didn't want to have to pretend that I was okay. I knew I wasn't myself but I didn't know what to do. There would be days that I literally wouldn't get off the couch and I'd sit in the living room with the blinds closed all day long. I would have a hard time eating, or finding the time to eat, so I'd have to force myself once Neal got home. I talked to Neal about being worried about postpartum depression, I knew that I was suceptable to it because my mother suffered from it severely. I was scared to admit that I was struggling, I'm such a perfectionist and try to hold it together all the time. I didn't know what was wrong with me and I was too scared to find out because I didn't know how I could face this.

Neal helped me do some research about ppd on the internet, all the websites said the same thing. It's real, get help. I took that as follow their 'suggestions' and get outside more, shower, talk about your feelings, and take some time for yourself. I tried that, and it helped, for the moment. But then later that day or that night I'd feel loneliness like I'd never felt before, a deep sadness, and a want to reach out to someone but couldn't find the drive to do it. I was unmotivated, depressed, and just felt stuck.

This all came to a head a couple weeks ago. I was expecting a friend to stop by so she could meet Liam. I was looking forward to it, in a sense, because it gave me a reason to get off the couch and force myself to do something. I tried to time everything perfectly. I got the baby fed so I could get in the shower early enough to have time to get ready. As soon as I was finished showering I was going to clean up the house so she wouldn't see how unorganized my living and life is right now. I was so determined to have everything perfect for when she got here, maybe she'd think I was supermom for having a newborn and yet I still had a perfectly clean house and makeup on. Crazy, right? Because every new mom knows that it NEVER happens. (unless you are a supermom and reading this then don't judge).

I had just gotten out of the shower and was about to start getting ready when all of the sudden the doorbell rang. SHE WAS HALF AN HOUR EARLY!?! (Can you tell how crazy I was?). I lost it. I fell to the floor in tears and could not calm myself down. I had so much to do before she came over and I felt defeated when she showed up early. I told Neal not to answer the door and to just pretend like we weren't home. It was at that point that I knew I needed help.

That same week I scheduled an appointment with Dr. Chalmers. I was so nervous to go in. I hate admitting that I'm not invincible to this kind of thing but it obviously got the best of me. Once I got there Dr. Chalmers made me very comfortable by talking about how normal this was. In fact, he said that I was at higher risk because of my lifestyle before (working, going to school, dancing, always being busy, ect.) I felt affirmed and could finally see a way out of this. He prescribed me some low dose medicine that was supposed to curb my lows. I was so excited to start feeling better.

A couple weeks have passed now and I am amazed at the difference it has made. I didn't realize how bad I was, I was literally like a zombie. I now enjoy every minute with Liam. Before I felt horrible when I felt resentment toward him. I hate admitting that but I really struggled with loving him as much as I thought I would as a new mom. Now that I'm more balanced and back to myself, I can feel myself falling more in love with him everyday. I'm now one of those cliche' new mom's that just stares at her baby. And honestly, I could do that all day.

This morning we just layed in bed together, he snuggled up to my side, and I watched him for hours as he smiled up at me. Literally hours. And it was the most amazing feeling I've ever felt. My heart was so full of love and I finally felt like this is the way it's supposed to be. This is what I've been missing out on all this time. I will never forget that. I love Liam so much that sometimes I just can't put him down. I hate that I had to go through what I did but I love that I appreciate and love him so much more. I finally know what I'm missing out on and I'm so much more grateful to have this sweet little boy in my life.