The Goodbye that is never supposed to happen

The funeral director walked in. He was dressed up in a black suit and tie. He reluctantly carried in an infant car seat. I was horrified. We held Finn tighter. Reality was sinking in that we were not leaving this hospital with our baby.

I immediately lost it and began to cry. I loved that he brought in a car seat, how else was he going to safely transport him to the funeral home. But we just felt sick to our stomachs about leaving him alone in there while we prepped for the funeral. Time went by too fast, I wanted to stay with him longer but knew he was no longer with us. It was time to say goodbye. We kept our eyes on him and knew when he left this room it would never be the same. Even at his funeral, it just wouldn't be the same. He was so new, and pure, and perfect. This goodbye would be the hardest.

I couldn't stand the thought of handing our baby off to a stranger so I gave him to Neal. It would be the last time I held Finn. Neal had to be the strong one for us. It wasn't fair. But he was the strong one for us through most of this and I regret not being there for him better. Neal hugged and kissed him one last time before placing him in the car seat. I couldn't even watch. It was an unbearable pain.

We talked about the next steps but it was all a blur. I was angry at this point. I felt jilted. It was just all so unfair.

The funeral director left and we were left alone. We laid in that hospital bed together and just cried. I couldn't stop telling Neal how much I love him and how grateful I was that we had each other to get through this. It was such a sad moment. Parents should never have to say good bye to their children like that. We cried together until we fell asleep on the bed, cuddled up close, protecting each other from the pain of losing our son.