"Do you want to meet my Brother?"

We finished up as a family of 5 and decided it was time to let the rest of our immediate family into the room. Liam and Neal walked out to get everyone. As Liam turned the corner into the waiting room he said, "Hey! Do you want to meet my brother?". With tear-filled eyes, everyone got up and followed him back to our room. We were surrounded by our parents and siblings. We hesitantly passed Finn to our parents first. I felt so proud but very protective of him. He seemed to be too precious to be held by anyone else except for Neal and I. Yet I was so proud of us for creating this beautiful perfect baby. "Too perfect". A term we will hear over and over again. Although true- it still hurts to not get to have our son with us. A "too perfect" child is both a blessing and a curse.

As his body was passed around I found myself smiling but crying at the same time. You could feel Finn's spirit close by mourning the loss with us, comforting us.

Everything about this felt familiar and wrong. I yearned to have the same experience with Finn that we got to have with Liam and Kate. The birth of Liam and Kate were the happiest days of our life! And this.... it just wasn't. It was an absolute nightmare. We were all just so sad. The weight of the situation hung heavy in the room. I watched everyone cry. I wanted to comfort them but I knew Neal and I needed the most comfort.

People are right when they say the veil is thin during the birth and death of our loved ones. Even thought it was just our immediate family in the room, I could feel our family on the other side in there, as well. The room felt so full. It was a tangible feeling that is close. Heaven is real.

Finn was born about 8:30pm that night. As time went on, the later it got, and family slowly started to leave around 2am. As people trickled out, the emptier I began to feel. I like being surrounded. I liked the distraction. The day was going too fast. I didn't want to get to the next part.... being alone with our son, preparing to say goodbye.

The last person to leave was my mom and aunt. As soon as they walked out the door my heart sank deeper. I took inventory of where we were at. 2:30am, his color is changing, he's cold. So cold. It's unreal to feel a cold body. I gave him to Neal and he laid down on the father's bed with him.

The way he laid was the same way he did with all our babies. On his side, hand holding up his own head, and our children snuggled up tight near his chest. I took a picture. I didn't want to forget this. It just wasn't fair. Our arms will ache the rest of our lives for this moment with our Finn boy.