The Aftermath

Our son was cleaned off and wrapped up in the hospital blanket, he was brought over to us so I could see him. He was beautiful. And so perfect. Why was he so perfect!? What happened? Why did he die? He looked like he was sleeping and should just start crying. Neal held him as I kissed his big cheek. He was still warm.

The anesthesiologist offered to put me to sleep for the remainder of the surgery. I obliged. At that point I just wanted the pain to go away. I wanted to forget that even happened.

I woke up in the recovery room. Neal was sitting in the chair holding our son.

 

Finn Bradley Burk was born at 8:11 pm on September 2, 2015  weighing 6 lbs 2 oz and 19.25 inches long. He was our biggest baby yet.

As soon as Neal saw that I was awake he walked over to me and handed off Finn. As he handed him to me I could feel just how limp he was. This is when reality hit me. He really was gone. I was holding our dead son. Regardless of how perfect he looked, I knew he wasn’t there. In his body. Instead, his spirit was in the room with us. I could feel him. I felt him there watching us, grieving with us.

I couldn’t get over how much Finn looked like his brother Liam. They were the same baby. He was so perfect! I couldn’t stop crying but through my tears I could not get myself to look away from him. I didn’t want to lose one moment I had with him, I knew it would be short for the time being.

Neal climbed in bed with me and we just held our son and cried.