Finn's Story

Today is a bad day. I find myself waking up and being able to designate what type of day I'm going to have based on how bad my heart hurts. Yesterday we buried our son, Finn Bradley. Today hurts a lot more than yesterday. It's all settling what really happened... or is happening. I'm realizing that this is something that is going to be with us for the rest of our lives... this grief... this pain. And I'm okay with that- it's a reminder that this is real, I really did have a baby, and he really does live. He just doesn't get to physically be with us right now. 

 

It all started the morning of September 2nd, a Wednesday. I was getting ready for my 37 week routine checkup. It was a normal day, something that I miss. As I was getting the kids ready Neal was debating whether or not to come to the appointment. He had worked so late the night before he almost stayed home. Last minute, he decided he would go so the 4 of us headed over to the hospital for my check-up. 

 

Liam fell asleep in the car so Kate and I headed up to the doctors office while Neal stayed in the car with Liam. 

 

We checked in, 10 minutes late as usual, and quickly got called back. The nurse checked my blood pressure- normal- and then asked how I was feeling. "Good!" Like always. I only had 2 weeks left until my scheduled c section. 

 

The nurse left and Dr. Ward entered the room. "So you want to see your baby?" What? I thought no more ultra sounds since I was so far a long. I was just expecting to get measured and hear the heartbeat. The doctor was told by the nurse that I wanted to SEE the baby. I explained that I didn't request it but I would still love to see him. The doctor said no problem and pulled up the ultrasound. I reminded him that we still didn't know the gender so I would look away until it was safe.

 

Where's the volume? Why isn't he turning up the volume? I turned my head and I could see that he was moving around a lot... looking for something. My first thought was, "I don't remember the last time I felt him..."

 

He asked if we could move to another room and use the 3D ultra sound to get a better picture. My heart sunk. I picked up my little girl and we headed into the other ultrasound room. The room where we did the 20 week ultrasound and saw that he was perfect, and healthy, and growing. 

 

I got up on the table, laid down, and tucked Kate into my arm. She pulled up her shirt and began rubbing her belly like she always has since mine started growing. A nurse walked in. Once I saw her face I just knew. 

 

Dr. Ward pulled up the ultra sound again. This time I looked- holding my breath for good news but knowing deep down inside that there wasn't going to be any. 

 

The doctor lowered his head and then it came- the big blow. "I'm so sorry, there's no heartbeat". I felt like I had been punched. The only thing I could think of saying was, "I understand".